What Am I to Say?

This is my apology, whoever sees it, whoever deserves it, I apologize.

I am a screw up, some days, I can't decide if I want to right or left, shoot, I can't decide if I want to get out of bed.  I am a horrible friend, I walk away, I push people away, and I hurt the ones closest to me.  I have a mouth and an assitude that won't quit.  I keep promising that I am going to change, and yet, of course, I never do. 

Life becomes habit, and then it becomes who you are.  You throw out excuses, you quit fighting, and you expect everyone else to tip toe around you.  But we are wrong to do this.  We need to FIGHT, we need to stand up, and we need to be a better person.  It can make us happy, and our loved ones happier.

I was introduced to a song today, I have never heard it before, it is not a song, or genre that would be my type, but I gave it a chance.  I am so grateful that I did, because the song says exactly who I am, and how I feel.  It is by Sum 41, and called “What Am I To Say”:

What am I to say?
I'm all wrapped up in apathy
and I don't want to stay this way
There's nothing left to do
now that I am onto you
All I want to know is the truth

And I don't want to go
but I feel like I should
Cause' I'm falling apart
and I die, and die, and die

How could you be the better part of me
when we're only half of what we used to be?
Today, could you see, this isn't what we need
and I'm leaving all the pieces how they fell
So goodbye, farewell

What am I to say?
I still remember everyday
and memories don't fade away
And it all falls apart
in the shadows of the past
It can seem to be so hard but it's time the feelings pass

How could you be the better part of me
when we're only half of what we used to be?
Today, could you see, this isn't what we need
and I'm leaving all the pieces how they fell
So goodbye, farewell

To pull the trigger is now what you've waited for
I stand accused myself, sometimes I'm wrong, God help me
And hear beneath my lie, what am I praying for?
I don't believe in hell but I just might be there tonight

How could you be the better part of me
when we're only half of what we used to be?
Today, could you see, this isn't what we need
and I'm leaving all the pieces how they fell
So goodbye, farewell
Goodbye, farewell

       

        I want to analyze and break the song down, and explain how I feel about this.

        I'm all wrapped up in apathy, and I don't want to stay this way.  As a person, who gets involved in my own thoughts, my own problems, and just gets lost in all the everyday drudgery, you forget about the others.  You think of them, but you figure they are better off without you, so you just, don’t care.

        All I want to know is the truth.  Please, just tell me the truth, don’t hide it from me, if it hurts me, then I am not strong enough for it, and I need to just leave.  The truth can hurt, but lies can hurt even more.  And yes, even lies by omission can hurt just as much.

        And I don't want to go, but I feel like I should, Cause' I'm falling apart.  I have lost so many friends in the past few months.  I won’t count them, I won’t name them.  I will just have good memories of them, and go on with my life.  But there are three people in my life, that at this moment, if I truly lost them, it would kill me.  Nat, Kian and Chance.  I have lost so many friends and brothers in the past few years.  Men that came into my life, and were lovers, best friends, or brothers, and either because of pain I was going through, they were there for just a reason or a season (my favorite poem in the world, and I will speak on that another time), or here for the long haul, and because of mistakes, or hurt feelings, or whatever, we went our separate ways.  I am tired of losing everyone, I am tired of being the one to walk away, I am tired of people blaming each other, when what we need to do, is look in our own heart, and see what needs to be fixed.

        How could you be the better part of me, when we're only half of what we used to be?  Going back to what I said above, Nat, Kian, Chance, Zack, JD, Gary, Tony, Sam, Tabby, Carly, Jean, etc etc.  How could you be the better part of me, when we’re only half of what we used to be?  We were so strong, so close, and because of whatever reason, whatever excuse, we have allowed ourselves to get selfish, self involved, or whatever, and push each other away.  You were the best thing that happened to me, my best friend, my brother, my sister, my spouse, my lover, and yet, we no longer see eye to eye.

        I still remember everyday, and memories don't fade away, And it all falls apart, in the shadows of the past, It can seem to be so hard but it's time the feelings pass.  The memories don’t fade, they eat at us, they haunt us, and they sneak up on us at the most inopportune moments, and make us feel even less of a person.  Especially those embarrassing moments, when all we wanted to do, was die.  I don’t want the feelings to pass, because they keep me alive, and they keep the memories alive.  The feelings help me to become a better person, even if I have failed the others in the past.  The new people who come into my life, will get to know a better person.

        Today, could you see, this isn't what we need, and I'm leaving all the pieces how they fell.  This isn’t what any of us need, or what we should have.  I don’t want to let the pieces fall where they may, because I may not have the strength to pick them up again.  There are days where I need to be strong for you, but there are days you may need to be strong for me.  Why can’t we be strong together?

        To pull the trigger is now what you've waited for, I stand accused myself, sometimes I'm wrong, God help me.  I am weak, I am wrong, and I am the one who falls and stands accused of what is wrong.  I am not perfect, I don’t claim or pretend to be perfect.  But I try to be the best I can be, but I fail so often.

        I want to be a better person, I want someone to be strong for me, I want to be strong for them.  I want my life to mean something.  But sometimes, we just, well, we get lost.  And it hurts.  Not just ourselves, but our loved ones.  We are the ones at fault, there is no right, there is no wrong….we just have to be the better person, and stand up and apologize.

        I want to apologize, because I am falling apart, I am crying on the floor, and standing up is not something I can do right now.

for Kian and Chance

  It all started when our cliche, protagonistic figure, Chance McHandy, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling excessively angered, Chance McHandy deflowered a banana, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Just as zero people expected he realized that his beloved dildo was missing!  Immediately he called his redheaded stepchild of a 'friend', Kian Grabhand. Chance McHandy had known Kian Grabhand for (plus or minus) 1.2 billion years, the majority of which were curious ones.  Kian Grabhand was unique. He was charismatic though sometimes a little... stupid. Chance McHandy called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

   Kian Grabhand picked up to a very happy Chance McHandy. Kian Grabhand calmly assured him that most venomous koalas cringe before mating, yet venomous koalas usually surreptitiously sigh *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Chance McHandy.  Why was Kian Grabhand trying to distract Chance McHandy?  Because he had snuck out from Chance McHandy's with the dildo only six days prior.  It was a striking little dildo... how could he resist?

   It didn't take long before Chance McHandy got back to the subject at hand: his dildo. Kian Grabhand belched. Relunctantly, Kian Grabhand invited him over, assuring him they'd find the dildo. Chance McHandy grabbed his elephant and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Kian Grabhand realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the dildo and he had to do it deftly. He figured that if Chance McHandy took the wannabe go-fast Civic, he had take at least ten minutes before Chance McHandy would get there.  But if he took the yugo?  Then Kian Grabhand would be very screwed.

   Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Kian Grabhand was interrupted by eleven insensitive monkeys that were lured by his dildo. Kian Grabhand sighed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling frustrated, he aptly reached for his ripened avocado and thoughtfully slapped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief.  That's when he heard the yugo rolling up.  It was Chance McHandy.

----o0o----

   As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Jim's House of Wings to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so he knew he was running late.  With a inept leap, Chance McHandy was out of the yugo and went earnestly jaunting toward Kian Grabhand's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Kian Grabhand was panicking.  Not thinking, he tossed the dildo into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind his whale. Kian Grabhand was stunned but at least the dildo was concealed.  The doorbell rang.

   'Come in,' Kian Grabhand earnestly purred.  With a mighty push, Chance McHandy opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some funny-smelling noble genius in a nappy, busted-out hatchback,' he lied.  'It's fine,' Kian Grabhand assured him. Chance McHandy took a seat just under where Kian Grabhand had hidden the dildo. Kian Grabhand sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted.  But Chance McHandy was distracted. Just as zero people expected Kian Grabhand noticed a funny-smelling look on Chance McHandy's face. Chance McHandy slowly opened his mouth to speak.

   '...What's that smell?'

   Kian Grabhand felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when Chance McHandy asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the dildo right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A annoying look started to form on Chance McHandy's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Chance McHandy nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Kian Grabhand could react, Chance McHandy randomly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The dildo was plainly in view.

   Chance McHandy stared at Kian Grabhand for what what must've been four seconds. Just as zero people expected Kian Grabhand groped indiscriminately in Chance McHandy's direction, clearly desperate. Chance McHandy grabbed the dildo and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Kian Grabhand let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Chance McHandy,' he rebuked. Kian Grabhand always had been a little oafish, so Chance McHandy knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Kian Grabhand did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at him or something. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he gripped his dildo tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

   Kian Grabhand looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Chance McHandy. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eight days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Chance McHandy. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. Kian Grabhand walked over to the window and looked down. Chance McHandy was gone.

----o0o----

   Just yonder, Chance McHandy was struggling to make his way through the imaginery desert behind Kian Grabhand's place. Chance McHandy had severely hurt his double chin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral monkeys suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the dildo.  One by one they latched on to Chance McHandy.  Already weakened from his injury, Chance McHandy yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of monkeys running off with his dildo.

   About five hours later, Chance McHandy awoke, his kidney throbbing.  It was dark and Chance McHandy did not know where he was.  Deep in the uninhabited bush, Chance McHandy was alarmingly lost. A few unsatisfying minutes later, he remembered that his dildo was taken by the monkeys. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life.  That's when, to his horror, a teensy monkey emerged from the secret vineyard.  It was the alpha monkey. Chance McHandy opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the monkey sunk its teeth into Chance McHandy's taint. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Chance McHandy's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

   Less than ten miles away, Kian Grabhand was entombed by anguish over the loss of the dildo.  'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened live hand grenade.  With a skillful thrust, he buried it deeply into his prostate.  As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Chance McHandy... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him.  But he would die alone that day.  All that remained was the dildo that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise.  And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant monkeys, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come.  Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead.  So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

Buttercup

A little back story, Buttercup is my imaginary dragon, she is only a few years old, and taking her through the terrible twos was quite a feat.  I had made her up for one of my nieces, was telling her stories of the troublesome Buttercup.

"My name is Buttercup."
Zhor choked on his chicken leg, sputtering, "you have to be kidding!  You're a dragon!"
Buttercup shrugged her large shoulders, bumping the ceiling, "My mother's master had a strange sense of humor, he gave all of his dragons cutsie names, thought it would make us less scary.  So here I am, in a cave with you."
Zhor looked up, "Well, I have to admit, you are not the typical dragon.

National Writing Day

So I am working on practicing writing, am I getting anywhere? Who knows, but I am trying.
So I was on facebook today, and a friend of mine posted this:

So, I guess I will put this as the background on my computer, and make sure I read this on a daily basis. 
Why do we write? Is it because we have something to say? or that we might have thoughts to work out?  I honestly do not know.  Writing is like reading for me, its an addiction.  I have to always be writing or reading something.  If I am not doing either, than I feel incomplete.

Ever since I was little I was doodling, writing, writing words, ideas, and sometimes nothing, just drawing lines.  Never could draw for anything, but the ideas were stuck in my head, and I wanted them OUT!

So today is National Writing Day, and next month is NaNoWriMo.  I have been working on it, will it get me anywhere? Who knows, but I will have fun doing it!

The letter

Ana lay the flowers down, and got a rag and bottle of all purpose cleaner out of her duffle bag. She kneeled in front of the tombstone, and sprayed it, and gently rubbed the winters grime away from the words on the stone.

She leaned back, and gently smiled. Her aunt had always been meticolous about things like that. Everything had to be cleaned at least twice before going on to the next thing. Never do it just once, that gives the impression that you do not care.

Josiah picked the flowers up, and put them in the urn next to the tombstone. But he did not say a word, he knew that Ana had always been very close to her aunt, especially once her parents died.

Emmeline had taken Ana in when she was 5 years old. A scared, and shy child, who had lost her parents in the most horrible way a person can. Emmeline held Ana, and nursed her in the best way she knew how. She and Ana ended up having an even better relatationship than most mother and daughters. They were always very close, and had a connection that could never be broken by death.

“When I was nine, Emmeline walked in my room one day, and gave me a key. She said that now that I was nine, and about to begin a different stage in my life, she wanted to give me that key. She was giving the key to my door, so that if I ever felt the need to lock her or anyone else out of my room, I was allowed to. I never used that key.”

Ana reached up to her neck, and began fingering the key that was on a chain.

“I always wondered where that key came from, but I figured it was something from your parents.”

“Emmeline gave me the freedom and confidence to always trust other people, I only partially wear the key in memory of her. I also wear it to remind myself that even if others lock us out of their lives, I will always allow those within my heart to have the freedom to roam within my life.”

Ana then noticed there was something sticking out of the ground near the corner of the tombstone. She pulled at it, it was a plastic sandwich zip bag with a paper within it. She took the paper out and unfolded it, and began to read:

“My dearest sister, I am so sorry things happened in this way. You were never supposed to get involved, I wish things had been different. When you took Ana in for us....”

Ana gasped and stood up, and looked around as if looking for someone. Josiah stood up next to her and took the paper from her. He quickly read the entire letter, and then took Ana into his arms, he knew she would be needing him when she finished the letter.

“Josiah, who would be so mean to write a letter like that! My parents died! They didnt survive the bombing, I know they didn't!” Ana leaned into Josiah and let him hold her.

“Ana, I do not know how far you got into the letter, but you need to finish it, it is really important.”

Ana took a deep breath and pulled back from Josiah, and then took the letter back, and again began reading:

“My dearest sister, I am so sorry things happened in this way. You were never supposed to get involved, I wish things had been different. When you took Ana in for us, it was the best solution all around. I will never forgive myself for what I put Ana through. She never deserved any of that pain and suffering. But Luke and I could not stay alive any longer. The bomb was not supposed to do as much damage as it did, it was only supposed to look like it took out our corner of the building, but it unfortunately took out the entire building. I will never forgive myself for that. Thank you for sending us pictures of Ana as she grew up, that made things both easier, and harder. I just hope Ana will forgive us when she finds out who her true parents are.

Your loving Sister,

Amelia”

Ana fell the ground, her legs no longer had the strength to hold her up, and there were tears streaming down her face. Ana's head was spinning with so many questions, she did not know the first one to ask. She looked to Josiah, and one question came out of her mouth:

“What the hell is going on?”

Nanowrimo

Next month, I am going to join NanoWriMo, so I am going to begin practicing now!

Today's Title: Stars Blazed in the Night Sky

Josiah looked up at the night sky, and sighed.  Ana looked to him, "What are you thinking?"
"If I could buy you a star, I would."
Ana laughed, "And why would you buy me a star? What would I do with a star?"
Josiah began singing Bing Crosby's "Swing on a Star"

"Would you like to swing on a star
carry moonbeams home in a jar
and be better off than you are
or would you rather be a mule"



"So what does that have to do with buying me a star?"  Ana turned around and walked into the house.  She went into the kitchen, and began taking meat and vegetables out of the refrigerator.  She took her favorite iron skillet out of the oven, and put a spray of oil into it, and turned the burner on low.  Josiah followed her in, and took the chicken, and cut it into smaller pieces. 
"Well, I got thinking about it the other day, what is the one thing we can't take away from eachother?"
"I don't know, our love, our hearts, our trust." Ana said, as she chopped onions and celery and bell peppers into a bowl.
"No, actually, those things can be taken away, either by each other, or others, or certain situations.  Our dreams, and what they stand for.  You want to be a writer, and I want to be a computer programmer, but because of upbringing, and money, and other things.  I am working at Walmart, and you are a nurse.  Not that either of those are bad things, the money give us this home, the food, the things we need.  And true, you love being a nurse, but its not our total passion.  No one can take away our passion for the things we love.  No one can take away the spirit that guides us towards those dreams.  So if I could buy you a star, and bring it to you, I would."  He put the chicken into the skillet, and turned the heat up just a tad, and added salt and pepper, and some soy sauce.  Then he went to the sink and washed his hands, turning to her, leaning against the counter, as he dried his hands.
"Okay, so how about, we buy eachother a star, and thats what we work for?"  She asked, as she stirred the chicken.
"What do you mean?"
Ana tilted her head looking up to the ceiling as she thought about how to word what she was wanting to say. "We each get a box, it looks like a star, and then we begin adding things to it.  You add things to mine, I add things to yours.  Money for school, or supplies, love notes, encouragement, whatever you want.  It would be our way of helping eachother to get where we would want to go in life."  She added the vegatables to the chicken, and turned the burner down a little bit, and added some garlic to it.  She stirred it around to let the aroma surround them. 
"So in other words, we would be buying eachother's dreams, and giving eachother the encouragement to work for them?"  He got the plates down, and got silverwear out for them.  Taking them to the little nook off the kitchen, that they had made into a dining area.
The nook was post likely supposed to have been an area where a washer a dryer once went, but since those were out in the garage now, they had put a small round pub table and stools they had found at a flea market.  It fit perfect in the nook, and was perfect size for the two of them.
He put the plates and the silverware down, and then went and got napkins and glasses. 
"What do you want to drink?"
"Mountain Dew, of course."  She grinned, remembering a time when she wouldn't touch Mountain Dew for anything, and Josiah had introduced it to her.

She dished up the meat and veggies, onto the meat platter, grabbing a bottle of soy sauce, and bottle of sweet and sour sauce, and a spoon to dish it up with, bringing it to the pub table.

She hitched her short self up on the stool, and grinned sheepishly as his chuckle. Josiah was Six foot two, and Ana was four foot ten. Her mom always teased them that they looked like Mutt and Jeff.

When they had gotten married, she had worn 4 inch heels, and nearly broke her foot in the process, and he had to literally carry her down the aisle after wards.

They dug into their supper as they continued their conversation on the star idea.

“Well, I was thinking it could both be a planned thing, and a surprise thing. So lets say, each of us put like ten dollars or some agreed upon amount in an envelope each paycheck. And then, whenever we want, we put like a note, or card, or an advertizement for something we want, or whatever appeals to us, that we know encourages the others dreams. That way we would always feel close to each other, and not only realize our own dreams, but buy each other that star.”

“So if I buy you a star, you will help me build my work room out back?”

“Oh, if I have to, just remember, I'm short, so no stepping on me when you pretend I'm not there!”

Josiah let out a bark of laughter, at remembering their last home improvement project.

They had been wanting to turn an area in the garage into a laundry room, and computer room, since they had run out of room in the house. It was just a tiny bungalo, they had bought it two years after they had gotten married. It had been the right size then, but between their jobs, hobbies, and other things, they had outgrown it by leaps and bounds. So they had turned the back ten feet of the garage into a laundry room, and office, but they were already outgrowing that.

Josiah continued to chuckle as he took their plates to the sink.

“You dry, I wash?” He asked as he began filling the sink with hot soapy water.

“Go for it, its always easier to dry them and put them away.”

Ana hopped down from the stool, and ducked behind him and got a tea towel from the basket below the sink. Grabbing the plate as he finished washing it, and handed it to her. She dried it, and put it in the rack above the sink.

The finished doing the dishes, and cleaned up the rest of the kitchen, then flipped a coin as to who got to watch tv that night. They both had a show on at the same time they enjoyed, so when that happened, instead of arguing, they would flip a coin. Josiah won, so he took off for the living room, while Ana decided to go into the office, to check email, and her book club.

Ana turned the radio on that was on the shelf above her computer, and stood listening to the song that was on at that moment. It just happened to be her and Josiah's song. Worried Eyes by Eagle Eye Cherry. She hummed along with it, as tears came to her eyes, she knew something was going on with Josiah, but he was being evasive whenever she asked. They had promised five years ago to always be open and honest with each other, but he was so quiet and hesitant lately, she just didn't know what he was thinking. She looked over at his computer, but knew that getting on his computer would be the biggest sign of no trust. She sat down in front of her own, and hit the power button, wondering if she could maybe figure out what was going on with him.

Two hours later Josiah came into the office, finding Ana lost in a conversation with one of her book buddies in her book club. He looked over her shoulder.

“Tell Iento hi for me” He said as he went to his computer. He looked at his computer, and looked back at her. “Did you get on my computer?”

Ana shot him and look, and said no.

“I have no reason to, have my own computer, duh!” She turned back to her conversation with Iento, one of her book club buddies. They had been friends for about 4 years now, and were reading the same book, and discussing whether they liked it or not. They had been reading “The Kite Runner”. Ana had read it about the time she and Josiah had gotten married, but she had enjoyed it so much, she was willing to read it again.

“Well, someone has been on my computer, its on, and I remember shutting off before I left for work this morning.” He muttered under his breath. He sat down and pushed the mouse around to get the computer warmed up, and then gasped.

Ana looked over about to ask him what was going on, when she herself gasped. There was a grotesque picture of Ana. It had her in a very skimpy bikini, one she had never owned or worn, and she was in a horrible position, it didn't even look like she was alive. There was blood everywhere, and it even looked like she had been gutted.

Ana jumped up “What in the world, what is that?”

Josiah turned around, “You didn't do this?”

“Are you kidding? Why on earth would I do that? Thats disgusting! Shut it off!”

Josiah stood up and faced her, “Are you sure you didn't do this?”

“You think I am lying about this? Who do you think I am, why would I lie about something like that? Hell, why would I even do something like that?” Ana waved her arm at his computer.

“Oh, I don't know, maybe because you are wanting to piss me off, and if you piss me off enough, I might leave.”

“What are you talking about? Why would I want you to you to leave?”

“Well, thats what I have been wondering myself. Ever since I got that email from you last week, I have no clue what you are thinking. You act like nothing is going on, and we have been doing all the same routines, and yet, there are so many little things that just don't make sense.”

“What email? I haven't sent you email in weeks.”

“Of course you have. Here, I will prove it.” he got on his computer and got rid of the bloody picture, and brought up his email, scrolling through the ones from the past week.

“Here you go,” he turned his screen towards her. She bent over and read the email, and then she realized something.

“Josiah, this isn't my email.”

“of course it is, its your name, and thats your email.”

“No, it isn't, its one letter off. Mine is AmericanGypsy1973 with a y, not an I. Here, I will show you.”

She went over to her computer, and opened her email account, and showed him her email.

“What the hell?” he exclaimed, “this doesn't make sense. Where did this email come from?”

“Someone trying to make you think I don't know what I want anymore.”

Assignment Number 3

10 Topics (again only picking one) that remind you of a particular incident that you can relate in a clearly organized narrative essay.
Memorable Funeral
I will remember that weekend for the rest of my life.
Life was empty and not as exciting after Mike died.  He was a young man that had his entire life in front of him.
 On Friday December 2, 1994, I was at the grocery store with my mother, we were running some errands before our busy weekend.  A really good friend of mine was having his engagement party Saturday night, and then on Sunday we were going to visit family in a town south of us.
While at the store, we saw a couple of women from church, that were my moms contemporaries.  One of them mentioned that they were going to go to Moberly Saturday morning, because a guy from the Moberly Congregation had died.  I asked who, they said Mike S.  I immediately fell apart, they had no clue that I was so close with Mike.  He was my best friends brothers best friend.  She asked how I knew him, and told her that my best friend Kari, her brother, Koby and Mike were best friends, and so of course we were always hanging around together. And also, Koby's wife is sister to Mike's fiance.  I said something about there being an engagement party for Mike and his fiance Saturday night, and that we had been planning on going.
She then told me how the accident had happened.  Mike apparently worked in Columbia on the night shift, and was on his way home that Friday morning, and someone else didn't see him, pulled in front of him sideswiping him, on the highway, and he was immediately killed.
I don't remember much until we got to his parents house on either Friday or Saturday night, all of our friends and his family were sitting around.  I believe someone had brought in veggie platters and some desserts, but not for sure.  There was not a viewing before his funeral on Monday, at least I don't remember there being one.
I don't believe we went to our families gathering on Sunday, at least I don't remember anything about it.  On Monday we went back to Moberly for the funeral.  It was very difficult, we got to the funeral, there were literally hundreds of people there, it was so full, there was nearly only standing room.
Mike was one of those people that everyone loves, he was funny, intelligent, and it didn't hurt that he was cute.
There are two scenes at the funeral that I will never forget, ever.  The first one, is before the funeral, and people are still viewing the body, I was close to the back, finding seats for my mom and I, while she was mingling with friends.  And I saw his fiance go up to Mike, she was crying, not just crying, it was that soul breaking sobbing that takes over your entire body, Annie even attempted to climb into the casket with him, her sister, Katie and her father in law had to drag her away.  I just stood there, with tears falling, watching this, it was so heartbreaking, even now, tears well up, the memory will always be just a tear away.
  The next thing I remember, we are in the car, getting ready to leave for the cemetery, and Koby and his wife, Katie, and Koby's dad walks out of the funeral home, and Koby just loses it, he falls, it honestly scared me, I was really young at the time, only 21.  I had never seen a man so emotional, and it absolutely broke my heart so see a guy I looked up to, fall apart and loose it like he did.
I had grown up going to Kari and Koby's house on the weekends, my dad was an abusive man, and so alot while I was growing up, I welcomed those weekends away.  It was a refuge for me, and to know that Kari, Angie (another good friend), Koby, Mike, and others were there for me, was one of the highlights of my life.  Mike wasn't going to be there anymore, he was gone, life was forever altered, and we still miss you very much.
It has been 18 years since then, alot of lives have changed.  Annie got married a few years later, I have married, and divorced.  Many of our friends  have married and have children in their teens now.  Mike has two nephews, that at the time were around 10-12 years old, they of course have grown, I believe one of them has even gotten married.  One of them looks so much like Mike, its eerie.
Even tho I had a hard childhood, knowing all my friends were there for me, and that I could always "run away" to them if need be, even as we all became adults, and went our separate ways, it was a comfort to know they were there.
I see those friends every now and then, but it isn't nearly as often as when we were kids.  The memories tho are the best of my life.