for Kian and Chance

  It all started when our cliche, protagonistic figure, Chance McHandy, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling excessively angered, Chance McHandy deflowered a banana, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Just as zero people expected he realized that his beloved dildo was missing!  Immediately he called his redheaded stepchild of a 'friend', Kian Grabhand. Chance McHandy had known Kian Grabhand for (plus or minus) 1.2 billion years, the majority of which were curious ones.  Kian Grabhand was unique. He was charismatic though sometimes a little... stupid. Chance McHandy called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

   Kian Grabhand picked up to a very happy Chance McHandy. Kian Grabhand calmly assured him that most venomous koalas cringe before mating, yet venomous koalas usually surreptitiously sigh *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Chance McHandy.  Why was Kian Grabhand trying to distract Chance McHandy?  Because he had snuck out from Chance McHandy's with the dildo only six days prior.  It was a striking little dildo... how could he resist?

   It didn't take long before Chance McHandy got back to the subject at hand: his dildo. Kian Grabhand belched. Relunctantly, Kian Grabhand invited him over, assuring him they'd find the dildo. Chance McHandy grabbed his elephant and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Kian Grabhand realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the dildo and he had to do it deftly. He figured that if Chance McHandy took the wannabe go-fast Civic, he had take at least ten minutes before Chance McHandy would get there.  But if he took the yugo?  Then Kian Grabhand would be very screwed.

   Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Kian Grabhand was interrupted by eleven insensitive monkeys that were lured by his dildo. Kian Grabhand sighed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling frustrated, he aptly reached for his ripened avocado and thoughtfully slapped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief.  That's when he heard the yugo rolling up.  It was Chance McHandy.

----o0o----

   As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Jim's House of Wings to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so he knew he was running late.  With a inept leap, Chance McHandy was out of the yugo and went earnestly jaunting toward Kian Grabhand's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Kian Grabhand was panicking.  Not thinking, he tossed the dildo into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind his whale. Kian Grabhand was stunned but at least the dildo was concealed.  The doorbell rang.

   'Come in,' Kian Grabhand earnestly purred.  With a mighty push, Chance McHandy opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some funny-smelling noble genius in a nappy, busted-out hatchback,' he lied.  'It's fine,' Kian Grabhand assured him. Chance McHandy took a seat just under where Kian Grabhand had hidden the dildo. Kian Grabhand sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted.  But Chance McHandy was distracted. Just as zero people expected Kian Grabhand noticed a funny-smelling look on Chance McHandy's face. Chance McHandy slowly opened his mouth to speak.

   '...What's that smell?'

   Kian Grabhand felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when Chance McHandy asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the dildo right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A annoying look started to form on Chance McHandy's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Chance McHandy nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Kian Grabhand could react, Chance McHandy randomly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The dildo was plainly in view.

   Chance McHandy stared at Kian Grabhand for what what must've been four seconds. Just as zero people expected Kian Grabhand groped indiscriminately in Chance McHandy's direction, clearly desperate. Chance McHandy grabbed the dildo and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Kian Grabhand let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Chance McHandy,' he rebuked. Kian Grabhand always had been a little oafish, so Chance McHandy knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Kian Grabhand did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at him or something. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he gripped his dildo tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

   Kian Grabhand looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Chance McHandy. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eight days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Chance McHandy. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. Kian Grabhand walked over to the window and looked down. Chance McHandy was gone.

----o0o----

   Just yonder, Chance McHandy was struggling to make his way through the imaginery desert behind Kian Grabhand's place. Chance McHandy had severely hurt his double chin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral monkeys suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the dildo.  One by one they latched on to Chance McHandy.  Already weakened from his injury, Chance McHandy yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of monkeys running off with his dildo.

   About five hours later, Chance McHandy awoke, his kidney throbbing.  It was dark and Chance McHandy did not know where he was.  Deep in the uninhabited bush, Chance McHandy was alarmingly lost. A few unsatisfying minutes later, he remembered that his dildo was taken by the monkeys. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life.  That's when, to his horror, a teensy monkey emerged from the secret vineyard.  It was the alpha monkey. Chance McHandy opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the monkey sunk its teeth into Chance McHandy's taint. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Chance McHandy's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

   Less than ten miles away, Kian Grabhand was entombed by anguish over the loss of the dildo.  'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened live hand grenade.  With a skillful thrust, he buried it deeply into his prostate.  As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Chance McHandy... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him.  But he would die alone that day.  All that remained was the dildo that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise.  And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant monkeys, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come.  Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead.  So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(