What Am I to Say?

This is my apology, whoever sees it, whoever deserves it, I apologize.

I am a screw up, some days, I can't decide if I want to right or left, shoot, I can't decide if I want to get out of bed.  I am a horrible friend, I walk away, I push people away, and I hurt the ones closest to me.  I have a mouth and an assitude that won't quit.  I keep promising that I am going to change, and yet, of course, I never do. 

Life becomes habit, and then it becomes who you are.  You throw out excuses, you quit fighting, and you expect everyone else to tip toe around you.  But we are wrong to do this.  We need to FIGHT, we need to stand up, and we need to be a better person.  It can make us happy, and our loved ones happier.

I was introduced to a song today, I have never heard it before, it is not a song, or genre that would be my type, but I gave it a chance.  I am so grateful that I did, because the song says exactly who I am, and how I feel.  It is by Sum 41, and called “What Am I To Say”:

What am I to say?
I'm all wrapped up in apathy
and I don't want to stay this way
There's nothing left to do
now that I am onto you
All I want to know is the truth

And I don't want to go
but I feel like I should
Cause' I'm falling apart
and I die, and die, and die

How could you be the better part of me
when we're only half of what we used to be?
Today, could you see, this isn't what we need
and I'm leaving all the pieces how they fell
So goodbye, farewell

What am I to say?
I still remember everyday
and memories don't fade away
And it all falls apart
in the shadows of the past
It can seem to be so hard but it's time the feelings pass

How could you be the better part of me
when we're only half of what we used to be?
Today, could you see, this isn't what we need
and I'm leaving all the pieces how they fell
So goodbye, farewell

To pull the trigger is now what you've waited for
I stand accused myself, sometimes I'm wrong, God help me
And hear beneath my lie, what am I praying for?
I don't believe in hell but I just might be there tonight

How could you be the better part of me
when we're only half of what we used to be?
Today, could you see, this isn't what we need
and I'm leaving all the pieces how they fell
So goodbye, farewell
Goodbye, farewell

       

        I want to analyze and break the song down, and explain how I feel about this.

        I'm all wrapped up in apathy, and I don't want to stay this way.  As a person, who gets involved in my own thoughts, my own problems, and just gets lost in all the everyday drudgery, you forget about the others.  You think of them, but you figure they are better off without you, so you just, don’t care.

        All I want to know is the truth.  Please, just tell me the truth, don’t hide it from me, if it hurts me, then I am not strong enough for it, and I need to just leave.  The truth can hurt, but lies can hurt even more.  And yes, even lies by omission can hurt just as much.

        And I don't want to go, but I feel like I should, Cause' I'm falling apart.  I have lost so many friends in the past few months.  I won’t count them, I won’t name them.  I will just have good memories of them, and go on with my life.  But there are three people in my life, that at this moment, if I truly lost them, it would kill me.  Nat, Kian and Chance.  I have lost so many friends and brothers in the past few years.  Men that came into my life, and were lovers, best friends, or brothers, and either because of pain I was going through, they were there for just a reason or a season (my favorite poem in the world, and I will speak on that another time), or here for the long haul, and because of mistakes, or hurt feelings, or whatever, we went our separate ways.  I am tired of losing everyone, I am tired of being the one to walk away, I am tired of people blaming each other, when what we need to do, is look in our own heart, and see what needs to be fixed.

        How could you be the better part of me, when we're only half of what we used to be?  Going back to what I said above, Nat, Kian, Chance, Zack, JD, Gary, Tony, Sam, Tabby, Carly, Jean, etc etc.  How could you be the better part of me, when we’re only half of what we used to be?  We were so strong, so close, and because of whatever reason, whatever excuse, we have allowed ourselves to get selfish, self involved, or whatever, and push each other away.  You were the best thing that happened to me, my best friend, my brother, my sister, my spouse, my lover, and yet, we no longer see eye to eye.

        I still remember everyday, and memories don't fade away, And it all falls apart, in the shadows of the past, It can seem to be so hard but it's time the feelings pass.  The memories don’t fade, they eat at us, they haunt us, and they sneak up on us at the most inopportune moments, and make us feel even less of a person.  Especially those embarrassing moments, when all we wanted to do, was die.  I don’t want the feelings to pass, because they keep me alive, and they keep the memories alive.  The feelings help me to become a better person, even if I have failed the others in the past.  The new people who come into my life, will get to know a better person.

        Today, could you see, this isn't what we need, and I'm leaving all the pieces how they fell.  This isn’t what any of us need, or what we should have.  I don’t want to let the pieces fall where they may, because I may not have the strength to pick them up again.  There are days where I need to be strong for you, but there are days you may need to be strong for me.  Why can’t we be strong together?

        To pull the trigger is now what you've waited for, I stand accused myself, sometimes I'm wrong, God help me.  I am weak, I am wrong, and I am the one who falls and stands accused of what is wrong.  I am not perfect, I don’t claim or pretend to be perfect.  But I try to be the best I can be, but I fail so often.

        I want to be a better person, I want someone to be strong for me, I want to be strong for them.  I want my life to mean something.  But sometimes, we just, well, we get lost.  And it hurts.  Not just ourselves, but our loved ones.  We are the ones at fault, there is no right, there is no wrong….we just have to be the better person, and stand up and apologize.

        I want to apologize, because I am falling apart, I am crying on the floor, and standing up is not something I can do right now.