What Am I to Say?

This is my apology, whoever sees it, whoever deserves it, I apologize.

I am a screw up, some days, I can't decide if I want to right or left, shoot, I can't decide if I want to get out of bed.  I am a horrible friend, I walk away, I push people away, and I hurt the ones closest to me.  I have a mouth and an assitude that won't quit.  I keep promising that I am going to change, and yet, of course, I never do. 

Life becomes habit, and then it becomes who you are.  You throw out excuses, you quit fighting, and you expect everyone else to tip toe around you.  But we are wrong to do this.  We need to FIGHT, we need to stand up, and we need to be a better person.  It can make us happy, and our loved ones happier.

I was introduced to a song today, I have never heard it before, it is not a song, or genre that would be my type, but I gave it a chance.  I am so grateful that I did, because the song says exactly who I am, and how I feel.  It is by Sum 41, and called “What Am I To Say”:

What am I to say?
I'm all wrapped up in apathy
and I don't want to stay this way
There's nothing left to do
now that I am onto you
All I want to know is the truth

And I don't want to go
but I feel like I should
Cause' I'm falling apart
and I die, and die, and die

How could you be the better part of me
when we're only half of what we used to be?
Today, could you see, this isn't what we need
and I'm leaving all the pieces how they fell
So goodbye, farewell

What am I to say?
I still remember everyday
and memories don't fade away
And it all falls apart
in the shadows of the past
It can seem to be so hard but it's time the feelings pass

How could you be the better part of me
when we're only half of what we used to be?
Today, could you see, this isn't what we need
and I'm leaving all the pieces how they fell
So goodbye, farewell

To pull the trigger is now what you've waited for
I stand accused myself, sometimes I'm wrong, God help me
And hear beneath my lie, what am I praying for?
I don't believe in hell but I just might be there tonight

How could you be the better part of me
when we're only half of what we used to be?
Today, could you see, this isn't what we need
and I'm leaving all the pieces how they fell
So goodbye, farewell
Goodbye, farewell

       

        I want to analyze and break the song down, and explain how I feel about this.

        I'm all wrapped up in apathy, and I don't want to stay this way.  As a person, who gets involved in my own thoughts, my own problems, and just gets lost in all the everyday drudgery, you forget about the others.  You think of them, but you figure they are better off without you, so you just, don’t care.

        All I want to know is the truth.  Please, just tell me the truth, don’t hide it from me, if it hurts me, then I am not strong enough for it, and I need to just leave.  The truth can hurt, but lies can hurt even more.  And yes, even lies by omission can hurt just as much.

        And I don't want to go, but I feel like I should, Cause' I'm falling apart.  I have lost so many friends in the past few months.  I won’t count them, I won’t name them.  I will just have good memories of them, and go on with my life.  But there are three people in my life, that at this moment, if I truly lost them, it would kill me.  Nat, Kian and Chance.  I have lost so many friends and brothers in the past few years.  Men that came into my life, and were lovers, best friends, or brothers, and either because of pain I was going through, they were there for just a reason or a season (my favorite poem in the world, and I will speak on that another time), or here for the long haul, and because of mistakes, or hurt feelings, or whatever, we went our separate ways.  I am tired of losing everyone, I am tired of being the one to walk away, I am tired of people blaming each other, when what we need to do, is look in our own heart, and see what needs to be fixed.

        How could you be the better part of me, when we're only half of what we used to be?  Going back to what I said above, Nat, Kian, Chance, Zack, JD, Gary, Tony, Sam, Tabby, Carly, Jean, etc etc.  How could you be the better part of me, when we’re only half of what we used to be?  We were so strong, so close, and because of whatever reason, whatever excuse, we have allowed ourselves to get selfish, self involved, or whatever, and push each other away.  You were the best thing that happened to me, my best friend, my brother, my sister, my spouse, my lover, and yet, we no longer see eye to eye.

        I still remember everyday, and memories don't fade away, And it all falls apart, in the shadows of the past, It can seem to be so hard but it's time the feelings pass.  The memories don’t fade, they eat at us, they haunt us, and they sneak up on us at the most inopportune moments, and make us feel even less of a person.  Especially those embarrassing moments, when all we wanted to do, was die.  I don’t want the feelings to pass, because they keep me alive, and they keep the memories alive.  The feelings help me to become a better person, even if I have failed the others in the past.  The new people who come into my life, will get to know a better person.

        Today, could you see, this isn't what we need, and I'm leaving all the pieces how they fell.  This isn’t what any of us need, or what we should have.  I don’t want to let the pieces fall where they may, because I may not have the strength to pick them up again.  There are days where I need to be strong for you, but there are days you may need to be strong for me.  Why can’t we be strong together?

        To pull the trigger is now what you've waited for, I stand accused myself, sometimes I'm wrong, God help me.  I am weak, I am wrong, and I am the one who falls and stands accused of what is wrong.  I am not perfect, I don’t claim or pretend to be perfect.  But I try to be the best I can be, but I fail so often.

        I want to be a better person, I want someone to be strong for me, I want to be strong for them.  I want my life to mean something.  But sometimes, we just, well, we get lost.  And it hurts.  Not just ourselves, but our loved ones.  We are the ones at fault, there is no right, there is no wrong….we just have to be the better person, and stand up and apologize.

        I want to apologize, because I am falling apart, I am crying on the floor, and standing up is not something I can do right now.

for Kian and Chance

  It all started when our cliche, protagonistic figure, Chance McHandy, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling excessively angered, Chance McHandy deflowered a banana, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Just as zero people expected he realized that his beloved dildo was missing!  Immediately he called his redheaded stepchild of a 'friend', Kian Grabhand. Chance McHandy had known Kian Grabhand for (plus or minus) 1.2 billion years, the majority of which were curious ones.  Kian Grabhand was unique. He was charismatic though sometimes a little... stupid. Chance McHandy called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

   Kian Grabhand picked up to a very happy Chance McHandy. Kian Grabhand calmly assured him that most venomous koalas cringe before mating, yet venomous koalas usually surreptitiously sigh *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Chance McHandy.  Why was Kian Grabhand trying to distract Chance McHandy?  Because he had snuck out from Chance McHandy's with the dildo only six days prior.  It was a striking little dildo... how could he resist?

   It didn't take long before Chance McHandy got back to the subject at hand: his dildo. Kian Grabhand belched. Relunctantly, Kian Grabhand invited him over, assuring him they'd find the dildo. Chance McHandy grabbed his elephant and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Kian Grabhand realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the dildo and he had to do it deftly. He figured that if Chance McHandy took the wannabe go-fast Civic, he had take at least ten minutes before Chance McHandy would get there.  But if he took the yugo?  Then Kian Grabhand would be very screwed.

   Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Kian Grabhand was interrupted by eleven insensitive monkeys that were lured by his dildo. Kian Grabhand sighed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling frustrated, he aptly reached for his ripened avocado and thoughtfully slapped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief.  That's when he heard the yugo rolling up.  It was Chance McHandy.

----o0o----

   As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Jim's House of Wings to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so he knew he was running late.  With a inept leap, Chance McHandy was out of the yugo and went earnestly jaunting toward Kian Grabhand's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Kian Grabhand was panicking.  Not thinking, he tossed the dildo into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind his whale. Kian Grabhand was stunned but at least the dildo was concealed.  The doorbell rang.

   'Come in,' Kian Grabhand earnestly purred.  With a mighty push, Chance McHandy opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some funny-smelling noble genius in a nappy, busted-out hatchback,' he lied.  'It's fine,' Kian Grabhand assured him. Chance McHandy took a seat just under where Kian Grabhand had hidden the dildo. Kian Grabhand sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted.  But Chance McHandy was distracted. Just as zero people expected Kian Grabhand noticed a funny-smelling look on Chance McHandy's face. Chance McHandy slowly opened his mouth to speak.

   '...What's that smell?'

   Kian Grabhand felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when Chance McHandy asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the dildo right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A annoying look started to form on Chance McHandy's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Chance McHandy nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Kian Grabhand could react, Chance McHandy randomly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The dildo was plainly in view.

   Chance McHandy stared at Kian Grabhand for what what must've been four seconds. Just as zero people expected Kian Grabhand groped indiscriminately in Chance McHandy's direction, clearly desperate. Chance McHandy grabbed the dildo and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Kian Grabhand let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Chance McHandy,' he rebuked. Kian Grabhand always had been a little oafish, so Chance McHandy knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Kian Grabhand did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at him or something. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he gripped his dildo tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

   Kian Grabhand looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Chance McHandy. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eight days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Chance McHandy. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. Kian Grabhand walked over to the window and looked down. Chance McHandy was gone.

----o0o----

   Just yonder, Chance McHandy was struggling to make his way through the imaginery desert behind Kian Grabhand's place. Chance McHandy had severely hurt his double chin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral monkeys suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the dildo.  One by one they latched on to Chance McHandy.  Already weakened from his injury, Chance McHandy yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of monkeys running off with his dildo.

   About five hours later, Chance McHandy awoke, his kidney throbbing.  It was dark and Chance McHandy did not know where he was.  Deep in the uninhabited bush, Chance McHandy was alarmingly lost. A few unsatisfying minutes later, he remembered that his dildo was taken by the monkeys. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life.  That's when, to his horror, a teensy monkey emerged from the secret vineyard.  It was the alpha monkey. Chance McHandy opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the monkey sunk its teeth into Chance McHandy's taint. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Chance McHandy's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

   Less than ten miles away, Kian Grabhand was entombed by anguish over the loss of the dildo.  'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened live hand grenade.  With a skillful thrust, he buried it deeply into his prostate.  As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Chance McHandy... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him.  But he would die alone that day.  All that remained was the dildo that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise.  And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant monkeys, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come.  Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead.  So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(